River Rat's Theory of Exponential Noise

Officemate and wizened Dad, River Rat, offers the following scientifically baseless theory:

When you have two kids, you have one line of communication between the two.
When you go to three kids, you have three lines of communication between the brood.
Thus, you increase the number of kids by 50%, but you triple the noise!

The Teeth and Hair Mutual Exclusivity Rule

Here's another item from our Committee for the Promulgation of Scientifically Baseless Theories.

Theory: Babies can grow hair or teeth, but not both at the same time.

Corrollary: Babies with lots of hair have to wait to get teeth. Babies who get their teeth early have to wait a while to get their hair.

Data: The Mommy has noted in her Real Job line of work that this rule very typically holds true.

Case Study 1: Superkid, who serves as our Chief of Polymer Impact Testing, had bunches of teeth very early, but did not get any hair for a good long time.

Case Study 2: Babyfish has very little hair and no teeth. This does not necessarily violate the Teeth and Hair Mutual Exclusivity Rule, as the rule only excludes simultaneous rapid development of teeth AND hair.

The Aquarium Theory of Big Shoes

The following is the first report from our science group, the Committee for the Promulgation of Scientifically Baseless Theories. The report briefly outlines a theory posed by my brother, who attempted to correlate the difference in height between himself and his friend with whether their moms bought their shoes a size too big or just right.

Theory: Children will grow into their shoes, as a goldfish will grow into its tank.

Corrollaries: 5'2" mothers can create 6'3" sons if she buys big shoes for them. If a parent wishes to stunt the growth of their child, the parent should buy the child small shoes.